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hello,
havent been here for a long time. for particular reasons, i almost forgot i own a blog. and i thought blogging was lame. recent times havent been treating me good, with exams and arguments with jon too. i know right, who argues when its near her exams and the worst thing is he thinks arguments waste his time more than mine when my exams are before his. before this, i was kind of edgy over our relationship, not assuring myself, whether im really heading the right way. im doing all i could, really. and sometimes i get so tired of this screwed up shit hole i dont know i have no idea why im still in this rs i do not know, consciously, whether i really do love him or im holding him for the sake of just prolonging this bond btw us aka shit hole.
ever since he started working, he’s become one kind of a jerk at times. more arrogant more bossy with his tone and words. and everything just links back to THE past (as usual). he’ll find a way to blame me for reminding of him somehow, i might as well not talk abt “yesterday” cause yesterday is STILL some past. yeah whatever past can just be linked to THAT past. how ridiculous can he get at times. and probably the words he should regret saying it to me is, when a guy has money, he can choose the girls. thanks, i needed to hear that from him. since then, to me he has a jerk inside him and i dont wish to figure out how much do i love him. more? or less?. is this the guy i honestly wanna spend my life with? is this him whom i loved in the past and still do now? is it him who can really take care and love me when he cant even do a bit in a relationship? i’m sure if we were to get married and he said the vows, i’d totally smirk and say he’s just faking it, he’s not being serious about the vows cause he’s gonna hurt me somehow one day.
why am i so negative about my relationship, or rather any relationship? actually i dont say things people dont wanna hear. i just shut up and say smth like this is how relationship is, it’ll get better. i am not really negative about my rs, cause we do have happy times too. i just feel nonchalent at times, maybe acting as though i dont wanna care. and i’m easily affected, esp by what happened in my family a while back. that there has been a cheating incident.
hmm…
at times i wonder, am i really a bad gf? is it so difficult to just hold me? or scolding and shouting at me over the phone seems easier. is it difficult to just show by actions how much you love me? is it not easy to just initiate things, you promised and forgot the very next minute. is it even difficult to say youloveme in person.
hell yeah
