one stop to heaven

Exactly the same scene. Again and again.

I’ve messed up my life, and people’s lives. Just because for a moment, I wanna do what I thought it’s not wrong. Just because for the first time, I wanna put myself before others, I’ve screwed up again. Been pampered once, been abandoned many times. I’d rather go back before 2008, when nothing else lives in me, just myself.

Right now, the thoughts are swimming around in my mind but I cant seem to pen them down. I just woke up in the evening and yet I feel tired from doing nothing. Mundane life I have.

What I need today is just a dosage of mahjong! I really need to get things off my mind. Mahjong totally does the job hahaha. I slept like 8plus in the morning, and I’m feeling way too off to be alive for the day. I feel like a vampire, being so energetic and alive only in the night. So many things on my mind, but I m so confused. I know exactly how i’m feeling but i dont wanna make a decision, or rather make the wrong decision. I dont want to be bombarded by questions either. Sian, it’s time to hit the mahjong table.hahaha.

I’ve never thought I’d go thru this again. This is really tiring. It’s either you get it back on track, or just let it go. Every beginning and end of the year seems to be going on repeat mode. If this year end is exactly the same as two years back, hmm. Totally sucks. Only if I have the power to just control it all heh. More like controlling my thoughts, my emotions. My heart versus my mind, always on the battlefield. I’d not confidently say I’m not feeling exactly comfortable especially after I was hit hard by harsh words. Words that will forever be in my mind, words that left behind more pain, words that push me into a black pit I’d never escape from. Lifeless isnt it. Numbed too. Feeling so cynical about certain things gets me very turned off. Quote of the day anw: I’m hungry but it’s near dinner time. I”m always hungry. Dinner is always my first meal ):

Now, what do I really seek in life.

I need the beach, and I need the music. The whole time I was sleeping today, this song kept playing in my mind, repeat mode then I had the sudden urge to sing k. “Treat me like a rose” by A1 right. Hmm, I really need to get lotsa things off my mind cause there’s too many things I dont even know what to think about. I’m confused, horrified, afraid, yet being judged all the time by myself, by you, by everyone. Hear the waves, dance to the music, unwind could really be the solution right now. Should I really be a nutcase and just walk away from everything, everyone. I’m so tired I dont need a job anymore, sleeping is my full time job currently. This is how I’ll be spending my December holidays.

i’ll end up here anyway, regardless of where i run to. this little private space of mine in which i can write at my free will. the irony thing is i dont really know what to write, i feel so lost. i dont know what to do now. no work, no more studyings. this is already the life of my own isnt it. flowing along with time wherever it’ll bring me. with no distractions i’m forced to face reality on my own, can i really stand strong against those bad and unhappy thoughts. can i really subdue whatever’s shooting me down. i feel so defeated, pathetic and even more worthless. how this year starts, how this year ends, exactly the same aint it. 2009 is nothing now, a year which i’m forced to forget all about it, a year testing my limits and patience with all sort of tearing-me-down techniques.

Nothing but a year of emptiness.