one stop to heaven

hello,

havent been here for a long time. for particular reasons, i almost forgot i own a blog. and i thought blogging was lame. recent times havent been treating me good, with exams and arguments with jon too. i know right, who argues when its near her exams and the worst thing is he thinks arguments waste his time more than mine when my exams are before his. before this, i was kind of edgy over our relationship, not assuring myself, whether im really heading the right way. im doing all i could, really. and sometimes i get so tired of this screwed up shit hole i dont know i have no idea why im still in this rs i do not know, consciously, whether i really do love him or im holding him for the sake of just prolonging this bond btw us aka shit hole.

ever since he started working, he’s become one kind of a jerk at times. more arrogant more bossy with his tone and words. and everything just links back to THE past (as usual). he’ll find a way to blame me for reminding of him somehow, i might as well not talk abt “yesterday” cause yesterday is STILL some past. yeah whatever past can just be linked to THAT past. how ridiculous can he get at times. and probably the words he should regret saying it to me is, when a guy has money, he can choose the girls. thanks, i needed to hear that from him. since then, to me he has a jerk inside him and i dont wish to figure out how much do i love him. more? or less?. is this the guy i honestly wanna spend my life with? is this him whom i loved in the past and still do now? is it him who can really take care and love me when he cant even do a bit in a relationship? i’m sure if we were to get married and he said the vows, i’d totally smirk and say he’s just faking it, he’s not being serious about the vows cause he’s gonna hurt me somehow one day.

why am i so negative about my relationship, or rather any relationship? actually i dont say things people dont wanna hear. i just shut up and say smth like this is how relationship is, it’ll get better. i am not really negative about my rs, cause we do have happy times too. i just feel nonchalent at times, maybe acting as though i dont wanna care. and i’m easily affected, esp by what happened in my family a while back. that there has been a cheating incident.

hmm…

at times i wonder, am i really a bad gf? is it so difficult to just hold me? or scolding and shouting at me over the phone seems easier. is it difficult to just show by actions how much you love me? is it not easy to just initiate things, you promised and forgot the very next minute. is it even difficult to say youloveme in person.

hell yeah

Why does he see it as a high expectation of him to even hold me? Am I that disgusting?

Why does he see it as a high expectation of him to wear a smile on his face when he sees me? Am I not as beautiful as he wants me to be?

Why does he find it difficult to even talk to me nicely sometimes? Am I a dog?

I KNOW I DISAPPEARED (NOT FOR LONG) BUT BECAUSE I’VE CHANGED MY BLOGGY (: NO MORE DRAMATIC POSTS FOR YALL!!!

I’m thinking of changing to another blog cause i think my blog abit the dramatic already. Point of this post, I hope you seriously  and honestly dont mean what you said to me just now. You wanted a break, you wanted a break up. And I asked what do you really feel towards me and you replied one word: tiring. My heart literally got torn apart, I couldnt stop crying over the phone. When I cry, you gotta reprimand me cause then my family would wake up and blame you for one way or another. You told me you expect me to swallow all the mean things you said to me, and you expect me not to be unhappy and cry. If i dont love you, i wont bother shedding a tear for you, really. You said you’re tired of all these shit, what about me? You asked me to go back to those guys, you kept pushing me away. What for? You do know that I love you. You work every single day till 10pm you keep reminding thats the requirement I agreed to. Is this relationship all about rules and regulations and probably revenge (to you). After we come to a consesus each time, I know our relationship will just worsen. Everything is just a facade from then on. We’re just waiting for the day we both will walk away from each other.

I probably have nothing much to be proud of. I had a broken relationship, I failed in moving on and found myself back with the guy I love because I was too weak. From the past posts, you’d probably think I’m not happy in this relationship, there’re way too many disagreements between us especially when it comes to “sorting things out”, nothing good ever comes out of it and also, you’d think he’s immature and treating me badly which I agree(sometimes). And my boyfriend isnt exactly proud of me as his girl since he said “that is the real you” to me before. Well, this is my blog, I write what I feel at that point of time, what I feel is the truth. Point being, I know my blog sounds depressed and suicidal all the time and I didn’t plan to post and share happy moments here. It is just another outlet since Facebook and twitter are too “public” in a way. Anyhow, the only thing I’m proud of is me, still standing and loving him.

It’s so weird sometimes when I’m alone I can write how much I love him and just feeling happy at the thought of it. But when I’m with him, I’m pretty much afraid of him. What a fear. Hmm

was just thinking back on the past. cant believe the moment we broke up, my life went crashing down almost immediately. my grandfather passed away, and then my grandmother. you were slowly ruining my life, stepping in and out as and when you like it. with that, i totally failed to move on. i was scared, of being alone. all those talks about wanting to be a superwoman is nonsensical. but those about fairytales are worse off. they just give you false hopes. seeing how others tweet/facebooked about their grandparents, seeing pictures of friends with their grandparents makes me regret how i wasnt there at his last breath. cause i was distracted by someone i love so much, i was somewhere else figuring things about that guy, instead of being at my grandfather’s side. i put the blame on that person sometimes, but no matter what, i know i still love that guy alot. sometimes i wish i can bring myself to hate him to the extent, im willing to let go of him. if i managed to move on then, i’d probably find someone who’d cherish me better now, i’d probably find someone who wont be illogical about principles he think is right and used the past against me and this relationship ive been building with hard efforts. as much as he wont forget the past as much as how much the past scarred him so badly he’ll probably remember me as the girl who broke his heart and ‘dump him for another guy’, i wont forget how thrashed my life has been since then. i’m not really fighting for this second chance you gave this relationship, i’m just fighting for the love you had for me. i just read the note you sent to me for 6th month. i looked thru photos before we broke up in an attempt to have inspirations for your christmas gift. yeah the photos the note before we broke up and us now..we’re different, any happiness i had from the past is so meaningless now they dont matter anymore cause what matters most to you, is not me, is not how much you love me, nor the relationship but how deeply i hurt you, how much of your pride i’ve hurt, and you wanna see how much i can sacrifice for you.

how does this not look like a revenge right?yeah i wanna know why i still love him so much then.

each time i think about how little priority i have in your life, i just wanna cry in my bed and sleep away..

i have so many questions in my head with no answers. i’ll never get answers and no matter how much i put in, how much of me i’m willing to give, how much i love you, i’ll probably never be forgiven. it’s always the scene of when we hug and hold each other teasing one another but i know there’s always those bad memories in your head. sometimes i wonder, if you say you love me, and you do accept me as your girl now, why let the past ruin the relationship slowly, bit by bit. that’s what is happening now to us. you’ll randomly tell me how you’d want your partner to be and specify characteristics which cant be found on me, and i’m obviously not your type of girl. you’ll tell me illogical principles of yours that i will never understand and you’ll reprimand me for not understanding english. you’ll tell me ‘i love you, but not as much as before’. then i’ll wonder why are we even together, when you never liked anything abt me, just what i gave you. you told me today i’m treating you as a companion, which really stunned me. after all ive done and sacrificed for the past few months since my grandfather passed away, you devalued my love for you as something so ordinary. our relationship is somehow stagnant. it’s not growing any stronger, nor weaker. it’s just there for the sake of being with each other. and any problem, be it the past or something trivial, will just break it. even happy days will never revive it. are you really the one who have no interest in having a good talk and just let those unhappiness accumulate? do you really want our relationship to be “just live with the problems, sleep wake up and not talk about it”. how many times are we to do that. you wanna hear nothing negative from me. and i cant reach you. tried and you’ll say you dont wanna talk abt it. this made me realise, we cannot live with each other. as much as i wanna run away from problems, i know i still gotta face it one day. how can you be on the run your whole life? and even drag me on this run. you aint tired, i am. alright,let’s just keep running then. besides your parents hate me and im never welcomed in your house. let’s just see how long will this run be.

it happened again. 2 days before my exam.